Sips From the Saucer

I invited my 10 year old self over for coffee today. Instead of going to a restaurant, I wanted her to see where I live now. The home where I work to create safety and joy and protect peace and joy.

I needed her to see, feel, hear, and touch all the pieces that together make this place so special. She would understand how much I have put into it – to make this house different, to make it better than we had. I needed her to walk in and out of the rooms and feel what I feel now – love, acceptance, freedom, joy and peace. I needed to share this space with her because she is so much of the reason this is possible.

In my mind I have gotten used to seeing Younger Me as hurt and broken – and she was; but now my heart sees her as strong, brave, smart and determined. These qualities that the Lord wove into her have made the life I have now possible and I needed her to know how thankful I am.

When she arrived I greeted her at the door, Silas and Evie on my heels, dog barking in the background, Ezra peered curiously around the corner. I smiled as warmly as I could to hopefully help her feel comfortable and welcome.

After a few minutes of excited introductions and chaotic chatter from the youngest children, I encouraged them and the dog to go play downstairs while I led Younger Me to the living room, passing through the kitchen and the classroom.

I invite her to make herself cozy on the couch while I made our coffee. I intentionally wanted to give her a few minutes to take things in and sit in the moment so she could absorb the atmosphere of our home. Time to see the pictures on the wall, the collection of family games under the TV, the pieces and parts of various craft projects scattered on the floor. Time to sit and smell the lingering scent of muffins we made for breakfast. Time to feel the couch and the textured throw pillows along with the soft blanket draped across the sectional — all little details chosen with intentionality to make this a soft place to land for my family and friends.

As I brought in the coffee cups I found her sitting legs curled beneath her and a faint smile on her face. I looked in her eyes and I could see her comparing, calculating, recognizing and weighing the differences. She was one of the only people who would understand how important all these details are to me. She would feel what I poured out and would know how much it has taken to get this far.

Today I wanted more than for us to just have coffee; I wanted us to celebrate.

To celebrate her quiet strength that had sustained her and will continue sustaining her through the hard times that I know are still ahead. A celebration of her determination to make the hard choices, to decide that what has been will not continue to be.

To celebrate her resolution to stand in the gap between the past and the future and make room for something new and beautiful. To stand in the gap holding back the bad to allow space for the good.

I wanted today to be a celebration of how God made her with this strength and determination. And together I wanted to celebrate God’s sovereignty in all the seasons of our lives.

Younger Me and I agree that parts of our story wouldn’t have been written if we had the choice. But that choice wasn’t ours. Many people actively and passively chose harm, chose evil, chose wickedness and those choices left us with deep wounds. But those wounds have given birth to many opportunities for great lessons, great compassion, and great grace. And for that, we can be grateful.

This coffee date wasn’t about consoling pain but instead celebrating resiliency. Celebration of growth and redemption, of goodness and God’s power to make a way where there seemed to be no way. We are grateful for His lovingkindness. Our story is one that proves that He is able to make all things new.

Together we celebrated because we aren’t bound by our past, we aren’t destined to make the same mistakes, we aren’t shackled to a family history of hurt. We celebrated today because Jesus sets captives free. By His wounds we are healed. He is our hope and we are safe and secure in Him.

The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,

Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.

He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,

And recovery of sight to the blind,

To set free those who are oppressed,

Luke 4:18

We celebrated. We sipped. And I paused treasuring that moment in my heart before saying my words out loud. Words that I only recently realized I needed to say to Younger Me.

I took a deep breath and said, “Thank you for keeping me safe when other people didn’t. Thank you for being so strong and so smart. Thank you for setting me up for the life I have today. Thank you for surviving, for being a fierce fighter that wouldn’t give in. For standing against evil and wickedness and through all of it I am so thankful your heart remained soft and kind, able to recognize and respond to Jesus. Take heart Younger Me, the Lord has good plans for you, plans to give you hope and a future. I know you feel like every day is a fight and sometimes you don’t know if it’s worth it or even what you are fighting for. Thank you for not giving up. What you see today in this home and in this family – this is what you are fighting for and it is worth it.”

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If in reading this you think of your younger self and realize there are some things that need to be said … I encourage you to do so. These writings are helping me discover parts of myself that have been hidden and have given words to feelings that have been buried deep within for decades. They have also allowed me to see how the Lord has always been faithful. These writings are offerings of praise for the work He has done and continues to do in my life. He is good and gracious and deserves all the glory.

And as always, if you need someone to listen to your story and have an actual cup of coffee with you – to help you see the faithfulness of the Lord and the promises in His word, I am your girl.