Sips From the Saucer

I took my 8 year old self to coffee today …

We sat down and giggled at how even at 8 I was such a lover of coffee. Grandma did that.

I sat looking across the small table at me – a frizzy blonde haired little girl with green eyes shifting around the room. She was looking, searching, analyzing everyone and what they were doing. She wanted to make sure she blended in. Not wanting to call any attention to herself.

She was so grateful for the treat – a restaurant wasn’t somewhere she visited much. She was so grateful for the time away from home. I told her things wouldn’t always be this way.

With tears in my eyes I told her how incredibly strong she is. I could see her sit up a bit taller, her countenance lifted by the recognition. I told her how smart she is and how special she is. She squirmed in the plastic seat not knowing how to respond. She isn’t used to compliments.

I reached across the table to hold her hand. It is true, she is so strong, but she desperately needs love and safe affection. I told her that the things that have happened were not her fault and that it is ok to be mad. I told her that I am sorry her parents didn’t keep her safe and their actions made her think she is unworthy and unloveable.

I cupped her sweet tear stained face in my hands and told her that she was not the problem. She was not a mistake.

I showed her pictures of 3 beautiful kids that she would love and keep safe one day.

And I told her that she would marry a man who would love her and keep her safe. Her eyes were bright as she dreamed of what was in her future. One day she would be ok and that gave her hope.

Looking at her I felt my heart heavy and so sad. She didn’t deserve what had happened to her. She deserved so much more. We sipped our coffee, hers more cream than coffee like Grandma makes it.

I asked her what books she was reading and about her teachers at school. She asked me how I learned to be a mom because she was scared she wouldn’t know how. I told her about all the people that had loved me well over these years and how God had been so faithful to redefine my family and rewrite our story. I told her that we aren’t defined by the bad – the bad things that happen and the bad people who do them. They don’t have the power anymore and we don’t stay where she is. God makes a way for us!

I smiled so big telling her about the beauty of the future that is in store for her – a future of growth and wisdom, health and healing. We can be sad about what we have missed, but she isn’t stuck. That fight that she feels deep down inside will serve her well.

Speaking of the fight in her reminds me of my Evie. I tell her all about Evie – she has fight in her too. She and I agree that we want to be more like Evie – strong, ferocious in her beliefs, compassionate towards others, especially those who need a friend. Smart. Strong-willed. Viciously independent.

We sat and sipped some more as we both were lost in our thoughts. Maybe we are more like Evie than we thought.