Sips From the Saucer

Determined to find solace in my sunroom, I sit in flannel pajamas wrapped in the warmth of my electric blanket. It’s just a March day in Michigan, nothing special. Just me, a 40 year old woman working through therapy homework meant to help expose, clarify and heal broken parts of my past and maybe even my present. A homeschool mom escaping the noise of children playing to avoid schoolwork and a dog barking at neighbors who are outside and clearly better able to handle the cooler temperatures.

These homework pages have a way of bringing up the worst things and leave me feeling wounded all over again — vulnerable and sad. As I sit with the answers to these probing questions I feel that familiar sadness that so often I try to run away from. But today I decided to sit with it. Not sit in it. A very crucial distinction for me. Sitting with allows me to acknowledge and accept the reality of the sadness, but not allow it to cover and consume me. By sitting with the sadness I get to look at it, examine it closely, and let it be real without being debilitating.

Today, I decided my sadness gets to take up space.

Somewhere along the way it seems I picked up this thought that, as a Christian, I couldn’t let myself be sad, even when sad things happened. But ignoring sad things and putting on a happy face doesn’t make me holier – it makes me a liar. So today, I sit in truth and sit with sadness.

Sitting with that sadness, that deep grief over the horrible things that happened to me, has led to an unexpected, but incredibly beautiful outcome. It led me to profound gratitude and sincere worship. It led to this prayer of praise:

Thank you, Lord for intercepting me. For putting people in my path that helped shape my life differently. People who pointed me to Jesus, the truth of Scripture, and the promised faithfulness and new morning mercies that I cherish so much. Thank you for rescuing me. For loving me. For protecting me. For holding all the broken pieces of me together and giving me hope and a future.

Father God, You intervened. You stepped in. You saved me from my sin, myself, my family, my past, from situations and people who meant harm and committed awful acts of wickedness. You saved me from despair and destruction. In You I have new life, abundant life. In You I have a Heavenly Father who lavishes love on His daughter – a love I am still learning how to receive.

In You God I have freedom, mercy, and compassion. I have a Good Shepherd who tenderly cares for this simple sheep who so often needs guidance, correction, protection and provision. I have a God who fights for me, who will never leave me, who calls me by name. And that is something so personally healing and restoring there aren’t words to convey how grateful I am. To know that my name is on Your lips, the lips of the Creator of the Universe when those who chose to abuse me refused to say my name but instead degraded me with derogatory “nicknames” is life giving. Redeeming. Thank you, Father. Amen.

Maybe these worship-filled words are meant only for me – an extension of my therapy homework. Or maybe there is someone else who needs the Lord to intercept their path and intervene in their story marked with pain, injustice, and abuse. You can put all your broken pieces into His hands. He is faithful, trustworthy and good. Healing those broken pieces – the broken pieces that I have handed to Jesus and trusted Him to tenderly hold together – is hard work. It is holy work. It is worth the work.

 Psalm 34:18 | The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
And saves those who are crushed in spirit.